cold hands, warm heart

i find myself at quest this sunday morning. while my family is in the cafe space singing and worshipping, i am diligentily fulfilling my weekly office hours. my heart is warm in this place. i reflect on all the time, energy, love, relationships, experiences, laughter, tears, sweat and blood the only thing keeping me in the emerald city… nearly every sunday i find myself with watery eyes and cold clammy hands. the out pour of love in this community, in the relationships i have made is nothing like i have ever experienced before. i will be the first to admit my communication skills are very much lacking at times. despite all the awkwardities and misunderstandings i have and through these trials and falls, i am ever so slowly learning how to recieve love. to accept grace. to know that i am a worthy fight.

californian christmas v.3

The distance is thickening, I find myself on a strange automotive crossing through towns I am not familiar, seeing face I shall never see again. (peace to you..)

It’s hard to type, the tracks are bumpy and I panic at the thought of losing sun. I want to soak in every last drop. The rays to touch the every crevass of my naked body.

Shannon reminded me I took this trip once before. Not sure I would have forgotten such a journey along the coast line. Then again, I’ve forgotten a lot of things in my time. A 22 year old suffering partial amnesia.

In just 8 hours I will find myself in the comfort of my own bed in the house I once built. Again, the future is uncertain and thepast is my stepping stone. The experiences and things I leaned the last 2 weeks will prepare me for what lies ahead. I trust in the happenings of fate, the mighty power of God and of one’s own self will.

I vow this year to confront all self doubts and fear- to follow these mainstage dreams. To embrace success if it finds its way to me. To love unconditionally. To be a woman of her word, honest and noble, God fearing and present with joy. To seek knowledge, adventure, relationships and life that is. I vow to create more, listen more, pretend less, love unreservedly, be more intentional, seek wholeheartedly…

“far away this ship has taken me far away, far away from the memories of the people who care if I live or die. The starlight, I will be chasing a starlight, until the end of my life. i don’t know if it’s worth it anymore…”

californian christmas v.2

Agape running through my mind.

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